Trying it louder, more sadness

Today, as the evening passed by, the feeling of wanting to check out soon increased up. And not slowly. It was a sharp and precise glimpse into the idea of the perfect ending again. One thing's different though: I didn't feel the relaxation and happiness about had taken the decission. I think that's because I've read from a specialist that that's a normal reaction to suicidal thoughts. Whereas I might have been in that place, it is also true that once I've tried to do it and seen myself barely capable of actually put end to this world, now I don't see the relaxation in making the final decission once again, probably because now I know I'm probably cheating myself. 

That is not to say I have confidence in not doing it, nor saying being in the constant decission-making of suicidal thoughts makes me happy. It is still a pain in the ass, and I think all these entries may recall someone attention's in same situations. As always, it's our decission and our willing to strive forward wich will make us go into one direction or the other one. Give some time to that decission again, it may help! 

Also, I've been watching again all day long things related to suicide. This video of HelathyPlace Mental Health being one of the most touchings, taking into consideration that it is an expert, also. Day after day I see that talking and talking more, and then talking a bit more about the problem, all in detail, it's good (anyway you want to put this "good"). Again, resources are almost always in english, that's why this entry here is in english too.