Tired, confused, derailed

On a small note, I'm going to start writing in english too. Not being my mother tongue, a lot of the stuff I'm catching on suicide it's in english. What are we going to do? It's the empire language. 

Today I've woken up too late again. I started making a good and healthy living when beginning this course year. Now I'm totally derailed of it. I don't wake up early anymore, go less to gym, I don't ever go to tai-chi lessons early in the morning, have a worse eating habit, and so on and so forth. 

The problem is, I realized this morning rolling from one side of the bed to another, that doesn't affect as much my general well-being. I'm more or less in the same mood I was in october. Difference being, most likely, I felt a bit more fatty. All the rest affects me in the same way. 

Maybe I'm wrong and my ideas about checking out are more present now because I let myself go into the laziness, also because I was tired and confused. Now I'm talking about a period into wich I already was trying to get out of this state of wanting to die. So it could be I haven't got will enough to persist on my recovering all by myself. It is like that, more likely.

I'm worried because nothing thrills me enough to forget my past and move on. That could sound frivolous but the fact is I'm really tired of watching the spectacle without me in it. So in one hand I feel sad, and in the other guilty for being a bit frivolous and thinking then in such a problem as killing myself. These days I'm cherish the idea more than ever, and have tried a bit of hanging myself. Fear comes then and I don't do it. Another thing is I don't want anyone to stop me, so I just say it in annonimous vias to get rid of it a little. 

Anyway, all these days too, I've been watching all the time videos related to suicide. Accordingly to one of them, my decission would be most likely wrong and irrational. Problem is, that doesn't take the pain nor the idea of checking out away. It's explained here in this lecture about rationality of suicide from the Yale University.