Trying it louder, more sadness

Today, as the evening passed by, the feeling of wanting to check out soon increased up. And not slowly. It was a sharp and precise glimpse into the idea of the perfect ending again. One thing's different though: I didn't feel the relaxation and happiness about had taken the decission. I think that's because I've read from a specialist that that's a normal reaction to suicidal thoughts. Whereas I might have been in that place, it is also true that once I've tried to do it and seen myself barely capable of actually put end to this world, now I don't see the relaxation in making the final decission once again, probably because now I know I'm probably cheating myself.